Our Angel

If tears could build a stairway
And memories were a lane
We would walk right
up to Heaven
And bring you back again.....
No farewell words were spoken
No time to say goodbye
You were gone
before we knew it
And only God knows why......
Our hearts still ache in sadness
And secret tears still flow
What it meant to lose you
No one will ever know.....

RIP Baby Kruse

Yesterday was the worse day of my life. We went to the RE and there was no heartbeat. WHAT?????? How could that be???? Last week they said you have a strong baby and this week nothing?? WTF??? I am so angry, confused, devastated. This has been a long journey and this has been the happiest 9 1/2 weeks of my life. We worked so hard for this pregnancy and in the blink of an eye it is over. I could not lay there and watch the ultrasound screen and see my baby there with no life left. All I remember hearing was I am so sorry, your baby is not viable. There is no heartbeat. Why me? What do I do know? I had to make the decision to have a DNC or wait a few weeks for it to happen on its own. I can't wait for that. I am scheduled for a DNC on Friday at 1:00.

So now what? I can't stop the hurt, the crying or the pain of knowing this child is in heaven now. I want the baby here with us, still growing inside of me. Maybe that is selfish, but I want my baby. I know things happen for a reason, but that does not make it easier. How do Clay and I go on with life knowing we lost our baby? I have never experienced this type of pain before. How do you go on like everything is ok? I can't pretend it is ok. I am so emotionally tired of this journey and I feel so helpless. God, please give Clay and I the strength to go on and show us the direction we need to go in. We need it now more than ever.

We are now parents to a very special angel. We miss you and hold you very close to our hearts. Help us go on Baby Kruse.

We saw the heart beating

It was so amazing. The little heart is beating 104 beats per minute. The baby is measuring 3mm right now and it will grow 1mm a day for the next week. By Monday it will be 10mm or one centimeter. Talk about a fast grower.

My estrogen levels were 693 and my progesterone was 3,625. I am still on the patch and the two prometrium a day. We go back to the RE next Monday for another ultrasound and it should look more like a baby next week. We are very close to being released to the OBGYN. That is so exciting.

What's happening with Baby Kruse this week

Week 7


Elbows form - Again, taking a peek inside you could see your baby's fascination with bending and flexing. Later you will swear you can enlist your child as the star of the next "Karate Kid" movie!

Fingers start to develop - These digits often become your baby's first toy!
Feet start to appear with tiny notches for the toes - It is fascinating that at less than a half inch, your little guy (or gal) already is leaving "footprints" on your heart!

Ears eyes and nose start to appear - Although they may resemble an alien life form, these all "shift" soon enough into a more normal appearance.
Intestines start to form in the umbilical cord - Did you know that initially the intestines are not formed inside your baby's body?
Teeth begin to develop under the gums - Thankfully, right now you won't be dealing teething pain!!

One Pefect Little Bean

It is Official, we have one perfect baby growing inside. We are now measuring 15mm (last week was 5mm) so we are growing fast. We did not see the heartbeat yet, but will will definitely see it next Monday. Our due date has been moved up. We are expecting Baby Kruse June 18,2009. It looks like I am going to get an awesome birthday present. I am still taking 2 prometrium a day and my estrogen patch has been lowered to one . Dr. Taylor said everything looks great. Our next appointment is Monday November 3rd at 8:30.

Our Pregnancy Countdown

** to read what is happening week by week in my pregnancy click on the puzzle above**

Mommy Graphics

2nd Beta Results

*** the black circle is the baby***


We just got home from the RE. My 2nd beta was over 5,000. It was 164.3 last week and it is supposed to double every other day. We are still not sure if it is one or two. The RE has told us not to rule out twins yet. We will hopefully know for sure next week and we may be able to see the heartbeat. I am still having to take the estrogen patches and the prometrium as well. The one baby that we know we have for sure is measuring 5mm right now. Peanut Kruse's heart is already beating and already started growing limbs. It is about the size of a lentil bean. Our next appt. is on Monday Ocotber 27th.

It's 100% Official

We went to the RE today for our beta results. The wait is terrible, it feels like days when in reality it is only an hour. We are now 12dp3dt and the RE wanted to see my HCG around 50 and mine was 164.3. He said that is some good, strong numbers. We are not sure if there is one or two in the oven yet. We have another appointment next Monday for another beta check and an ultasound. He said we may see something we may not, if you don't not to freak out because it may still be too early. I am still on the estrogen patches and the prometrium. We are still in complete shock and ecstatic. Thanks to everyone who has been praying for us. Here is to a Happy and Healthy 9 Months!!!!

Our two embryos

The ones we implanted were the one in the center and the one on the right. The one in the corner was not strong so we did not implant that one. Now, we just have to wait and see which ones took.

It looks like we are pregnant

Well, we took a HPT and as you can see we are pregnant. We are waiting to hear from the RE so we can go in for our beta.

Transfer tomorrow morning

Well, Lisa just called me to let me know that 3 out of the 5 embryos made it thru the thawing process. Dr. Taylor wants to do my transfer tomorrow morning. I need to be at Tulane Lakeside for 7:30 and my transfer is at 8:30. We are not sure whether to put back two or just put back all 3. If they can't refreeze embryo #3 we are going to transfer that one as well. I started my medrol and my tetracycline today and also my baby aspirin. Clay and I went and bought two pineapples from Fresh Market today because there is something in the pineapple that helps the embryos stick to the uterus. I am going to eat some every day until the pregnancy test. I am nervous, but have done this before and it only takes about 5-10 minutes. Wish us luck and say some prayers for a positive pregnancy test.

It's almost that time.....

I went in this morning for my blood work and ultrasound. The u/s tech said everything looked great. I waited for Lisa and she said we needed to sign the consent forms for the thawing process and for Clay to be allowed in the hospital procedure room. I was written two new prescriptions that I am to start tomorrow. One is tetracycline and the other one is medrol. I took both of these with the fresh cycle. They called the IVF lab to let them know to start the thaw tomorrow. They are going to call me sometime Tuesday afternoon to let me know if we are going to transfer on Wednesday or Friday. I am hoping and praying that they make it thru the thawing process and that at least two get to blasts. Dr. Taylor said everything is looking good and he would see me sometime later in the week. After I left the office Lisa called and said they received my blood work results back and that Dr. Taylor wants me to start the estrogen patches today. I have to put two on and change them on Thursday. I have to continue to wear these also until the pregnancy test. I started the progesterone today and it made me very drowsy and I have a terrible headache. It will hopefully be well worth it in the end.

Back to the RE... FET scheduled

Clay and I went back to the RE's office this morning for my blood work and ultrasound. They said everything looked great. We waited almost two hours for the results and spoke to Dr. Taylor. He said we are ready to move forward with the natural FET. We weren't sure when to expect this FET and the doctor told me to trigger tonight with Ovadrel around 8:00 to fool my body into thinking it was time to ovulate. On Monday he wants me to start the progesterone capsules twice a day. I was told they would make me feel really drowsy and tired. I have to take those everyday until our pregnancy test. He said on Tuesday they are going to thaw out vial 1 and let's hope and pray two get to blasts stage. I will know Tuesday evening whether we are doing a day 3 or a day 5 (Wednesday or Friday). My husband and I were like OK.......so quick. We didn't expect that. So , here is to a successful FET!!!! I go back Monday for more blood work and another ultrasound.

Cycle # 2

Well, we went back to the RE today and after speaking to him, I must admit I feel better. He told us that he was taking a chance and it would have been "luck" had we gotten pregnant. He also told us that they were taking a guess on what two embryos to go with. They were not able to grade them because it was too early to tell. He said given the facts, the hurricanes back to back and all we are lucky to still have some embryos to work with. Most of the patients were told to cancel their cycle. So I am glad we made it to retrieval. That is a huge step over with.


With that being said, he is waiving all fees to do a FET!!! I was thrilled that he is doing this. So many doctors are in business for the wrong reason, and he brought back the sense that there are good people out there still. The only thing that we will have to pay for is the hospital and that is $350. That is a load off of our shoulders. We are going to do a natural cycle. No stims at all. Since they had to freeze all of the embryos on day 2 we are not sure how many are viable. We have 3 vials . The first two and the ones that looked good on day 2. There are 10 of those. The last vial contains the last 4 that were not looking promising , but due to Louisiana state laws they had to keep them until they could monitor them for at least 24 hours and make sure they were bad. So the doctor said we have 10 embryos to watch. What they are going to do is when it is almost time to do the transfer they are going to thaw vial one. Pray that at least 2 get to blastocyst stage. They will then transfer those. If they do not get to blastocyct stage then we will have to wait until the following month and try one more time on vial 2. He said vial one should do it, but in this business you never know. So, if that doesn't work we are back to square one.

I go back to the RE on Friday Sept. 29th for blood work and u/s to see where we are at in our cycle. He said we should be able to put two more embryos in within the next 14 days (or close to it). Keep your fingers crossed.

One of my proudest moments

Well, my daughter came home from school yesterday eagerly awaiting to hear if she was going to be ab BIG sister again. I knew this was going to be tough and my husband said , " Kayla , I am sorry but it didn't work !" She just stood there in shock and stared at the both of us and gave each of us a hug and said "I am so sorry!" I was being strong and keeping my mind preoccupied all evening between homework, cheer practice and dance class. Well, we were on our way home from dance class and she just looked at me and said " Mom, you don't have to be strong for me. It is OK to cry and to be upset. You lost two babies today and if it was me I would be sad and crying. Mom, I am sad to. I lost two brothers or sisters. Please don;t think you did anything wrong mom. You didn't. It was a rough time and it is not your fault. The hurricane rushed you and you did everything you could. We had extra people here and no power and you just couldn't relax." I just sat there in the car, listening to every word she was saying. Then I started to cry, not because I was sad, but because there sitting beside me was my child, my rock for so many years and through so many tough times in our life telling me exactly what I really needed to hear. She is just a child , 11 years old and so wise beyond her years. She said, " Mom, I really think you should try one more time. I just know in my heart it is going to work out next time. Will you at least think about it? I would be so happy if you would try one more time." I know that as a parent I must have done something right. Who at that young of an age understands what we as moms trying to have a baby struggle and go through ups and downs and then tells us it is going to be alright? I am so proud of her and my husband and I for raising such a kind child. She assured me I was strong and I have been through worse , not to give up hope.
After she went to bed last night, I just laid there and thought of the words she said. It brought me to tears and I am so unbelievably proud of her and of myself for raising such a wonderful child...and thankful to God that he gave her to me in the first place. =)

Negative Beta Today

We got our results this morning. Not the news I wanted to hear, but I just had that feeling. I just felt like they rushed the whole thing and in the bottom of my stomach it was not the right timing. It is what it is you know. I also am upset because they told me on the day of my transfer that the remaining embies would be watched after and that we would get a call on day 3 and day 5 to let us know the progress. We were assured that someone would stay with the embies until the hit blastocyst stage and then they would freeze them. Well, they never did call. On Friday we finally got in touch with them and they told me we had 14 left. I took that to mean that we had 14 to reach blastocyst stage. Today we find out that is not the case. The froze them all on day 2. The never even got to the blastocyst stage. They want me to do a natural cycle next month and when it is time to do the egg transfer (3 days before the transfer) they are going to thaw them and let the get to blastocyst stage. I asked are they able to make it thru the thawing process since they are day 2 embies. She has assured me that they have as good a chance as any other day 5 embie. I am not sure I believe that with all that has gone on up to date. I am not trying to sound negative, I just feel let down. She also told my husband that they only do a day 2 transfer in an emergency and only if they know the couple have at least one more try if it doesn't work. I honestly wish they would have told us that and let us make the decision. If they were going to freeze them any way, freeze them all and get through the hurricane and go from there. So now we are playing the waiting game again. She told me as soon as I get my cycle to call them and then go in for my blood work. I also have an appt Tuesday with the RE to discuss what happened and to get the details of the natural cycyle. She said it would cost an extra $1400 and they are going to try next month. I hope I am ready. I will keep you posted. Trying to remain positive.....

Embryos we transfered

Baby Kruse 1
Baby Kruse 2

We are now 37 hours past the transfer. We have our beta scheduled for Thursday September 11 th. I plan on taking a home pregnancy test on the Saturday before. Keep your fingers crossed.

16 Fertilized

Well, yesterday was my egg retrieval. They got a total of 21 eggs. I just got a phone call from Lisa and out of 21 eggs 16 fertilized. Due to Hurricane Gustav, we are having to due my transfer tomorrow (which is a day 2 transfer). I am a little nervous, but very EXCITED!!! I have to be at the hospital tomorrow morning for 6:30. Pray for a happy transfer and a BIG FAT POSITIVE pregnancy test to follow behind . =)

After the transfer I will be on bedrest so that they will implant.

Egg Retrieval

Well, we went in this morning for my egg retrieval and everything went great! While I was in recovery, the doctor gave Clay a preliminary egg count...... he stopped counting at 18. I am anxiously awaiting the phone call tomorrow to tell me how many eggs fertilized. The nurse gave me my first PIO (progesterone in oil) shot and instructed Clay on how to give them to me. I also started the prednisone and the tetracycline. Praying for good numbers tomorrow. =)

Day 10 of stims

I went in this morning for blood work and an ultrasound. Dr. Taylor said everything looks great (my follies are over 16 mm now) and told me to lower my Menopur to 1 vial (75 IU) and to keep my Lupron the same. I am to discontinue the Follistim. Yeah!! We are down to 2 shots a day!!! He told me I will be triggering with Ovadrel tomorrow night. My egg retrieval will be on Thursday August 28,2008. I have another appointment tomorrow morning.

Day 8 f stims

I went in this morning for another ultrasound and blood work. Good news....I have several follies that are over 14.5 mm already. The ultrasound tech said a lot has been going on in there since Thursday. She also told me that there are more than enough to work with. YEAH! =) I thought that was wonderful news to hear. They instructed me to keep my Lupron the same, lower my Follistim to 75 IU and to keep the Menopur the same at 2 vials. I have another appointment Monday at 10:30. Hopefully we will be ready for retrieval soon. It is so close I can feel it. Keep praying for healthy embryos.

Day 6 on Stims

Clay and I went in this morning for another ultrasound and blood work. We actually got to see how much the follies are growing. The biggest ones are over 10 now. There must be over 20 of them. I was instructed to keep my Lupron at 10 units, lower the Follistim to 100 IU and continue on the 2 vials of Menopur. I have another appointment Saturday at the Metairie office. Lisa (our IVF nurse) gave me all of the paper work for pre-op and I had to go to Tulane Lakeside to pre-admit since they do not allow you to do that on the weekends. Lisa also gave me my instructions on who to take my medication following egg retrieval. We are definitely getting close. My head is spinning from all of the information that I have in it. =)

Day 4 of Stims

Well this morning I went in for my ultrasound and blood work to see how things are going on the stims. Everything looks awesome. Lisa said we have a couple of follies that are 8mm and several 5mm, 6mm and 7 mm. They want me to keep my injections the same and I have another appointment on Thursday at 10:30. It is looking like my egg retrieval will be on Tuesday August 26th. Now the only concern is what is Tropical Storm Faye going to do. Pray everything goes great.

First day of stims

Well, we just did my first day of stims. I must admit, I was shaking like a leaf. I got up this morning and did the Lupron. Then this evening around 5:30 I laid everything out and got to mixing. I forgot to put the Q Cap on and I was getting frustrated because it wasn't working and then all of a sudden a light bulb went off and I remembered. It worked like a charm. We decided to do the Menopur first. BOY...did that one burn!!! We did the two vials of that one and then we did the 150 IU of Follistim. That one was not that bad. It is very sore where we did those injections. I just checked on them and I already have a little bruise there. It looks like we may need to pick a different spot for tomorrow. So, one day down and a little over a week to go. Keep praying for us. =)

We start the stims tomorrow

I went to the doctor's office today. They did my blood work and another ultrasound. They told me everything looked good. I waited for Lisa to give me instructions on how to do the stims. She gave me a calender with what doses I need to be taking for the next 3 days. I am to lower my Lupron to 10 units tomorrow morning. I am also going to be on 150 IU of Follistin and 2 vials of Menopur between 4-6 p.m everyday. She told me the Menopur may burn a little. So now we are at 3 shots a day!!! I go back to the doctor on Tuesday at 9:30 for my blood work and ultrasound to see how the stims are working. We are on our way!

Moving right along

We got up this morning and Clay gave me my 3rd Lupron injection. This one did burn a little. I think partly because Clay forgot to tell me to let my hold loose. It didn't last long, it just stung a little. It is so hard to believe that this is real sometimes and that we are actually doing it. I am proud of myself for getting this far especially since I have needle phobia. It is on my mind all of the time.

The only complaint I have is the headaches. I am not sure what they are from. They could be because I have cut the caffeine almost completely out. I am so used to having that in my life.

4 more days and we should start the stims.... I am so excited and nervous at the same time.

Keep Praying.

We started Lupron

We went in today for our appointment. I did an ultrasound and everything checked out. Good sign. We then met with Lisa and she instructed Clay and I on how to give the Lupron injection. It went well. I am to take 20 units all this week. I expected it to hurt and I didn't even feel it. I have one more birth control pill to take and we are done with that. I have another appointment on August 15th to start the Menopur and Follistim. At that visit I have bloodwork also.

While we were there we also signed the consent forms. Dr. Taylor said we are moving right along. :o)

One More Day

Well tomorrow is the BIG day. We have a 9:00 appointment. I have an ultrasound and Lisa told me to bring in my Lupron so we can learn how to give the injections. I will not be able to leave the office until I give it to myself. We also have to fill out some papers and put down a payment. Keep me in your prayers.

The medicine is here

We just got the huge box of medication that is going to be needed for the rest of our IVF journey and there is a lot of it. Some of it had to refrigerated immediately.

Saline ultrasound

I went in this morning for my saline ultrasound. I am a little sore, but it was not as bad as I had expected. Everything checked out fine and there are no cysts or polyps. After I was done with that, I went in to speak with Lisa and she told me it was time to order my medicine(s). I go back to the doctor on August 8th to start my Lupron. I dislike needles very much...that is one hurdle I am going to have to cross. She said I could not leave the office until she sees me give myself the injection. I am to continue the birth control pills and the prenatal vitamins. Keep praying for us.....

Our baby journey begins

Clay and I both went in for our bloodwork. It is required to make sure we do not have any STD's and for me to check my hormone levels, etc. We spoke with Lisa who told me to start my birth control pills on Sunday and to start taking the prenatal vitamins. They have me set up for an appointment on July 28th to do the saline ultrasound to check my uterus to make sure they are no polyps or cysts. I am very nervous about this, but I am going to do what I have to do. If everything goes as planned we will hopefully have our bundle(s) of joy by the end of May 2009.




Mommy Graphics

The waiting game

Well, since Clay does not have any children they want to do a semen analysis. He had to drop off his specimen by 8:00 this morning. They said they should have a preliminary report this afternoon.


3:30 p.m. we called and she said it was not in yet. She said we should know something by tomorrow morning. Ugh...it is nerve wracking.

We did not sleep at all last night awaiting the results. We went to work this morning and Clay couldn't wait any longer. He gave Lisa a call and she gave us the news. His tests was so good, they had to check it again. We have swimmers and are ready to go..... That was music to our ears.

A little about us

Well, where do I start? I am happily married and the proud mother of two. (they are from my first marriage.) I met Clay when Blake was 1 1/2 and Kayla was 4. In January of 2002 we got married and he not only took me , but my two kids as well. He is their dad (maybe not by blood), but their daddy. After I had Blake I had a tubal ligation. I had always been honest with Clay and told him about it and if he wanted kids of his own, I may not be able to give him that. He was perfectly ok with that. I honestly never thought I would want any more. I had my girl and my boy and I was complete.

Which brings me to where we are today. We have decided that we want a baby together. He has always been there for my two , why can't I do this for him? We finally made an appointment at the New Orleans Fertility Institute to see if the tubal can be reversed. The doctor informed us that my tubal was not reversable. I was upset about it until he told me we have another option, Invitro Fertilization (IVF). So we listened to what he had to say and before we left his office we both said at the same time, "Let's do it!"



So now that we have started our baby journey, we thought we would blog it and keep track of our journey. Who knows, this may help some other family one day. So here goes.....