Here we go again....

We just met with Dr. Taylor and we are going to be starting our second cycle. We are going to have to pay for half of this cycle. We are ready to get the ball rolling. I am starting by birth control pills on Sunday. When we get back from our cruise I have to go back in for my complete blood work. We should be starting the Lupron in the next couple of weeks and our projected start date for stims is March 20th (Clay's birthday). We are looking at retrieval and transfer the first week in April. If things go according to plan we will be welcoming a December baby. Keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

Not a good day

We just found out that none of our remaining embryos made it blasts so we not going to be able to do our frozen embryo transfer (FET). We are going to have to start over from the beginning. I am really disappointed and so is Clay. The only positive out of this is that the next cycle will be before hurricane season and we will have a "normal" cycle. Dr. Taylor said due to Hurricane Gustav we had just terrible luck. So we have an appt on February 20th to discuss our next plan of action.

Thinking of trying again....

You know sometimes life takes you where you don't think it will. I never in a million years thought that I would loose a child. I am still having good days and bad days but that is to be expected. Clay and I said that after the holidays we would discuss whether or not to do another FET. We know that we want to do another one, just not sure when we will do it. We still ahve some frozen embryos and we want to at least use them up. If we don't use them we will always wonder about the what if's. I personally do not want to worry about those. I think we should at least use the remaining embryos up and if those do not work then we will probably stop there. It is easier said than done. So I am hoping and praying that 2009 will bring us our miracle baby(ies).

Our Angel

If tears could build a stairway
And memories were a lane
We would walk right
up to Heaven
And bring you back again.....
No farewell words were spoken
No time to say goodbye
You were gone
before we knew it
And only God knows why......
Our hearts still ache in sadness
And secret tears still flow
What it meant to lose you
No one will ever know.....

RIP Baby Kruse

Yesterday was the worse day of my life. We went to the RE and there was no heartbeat. WHAT?????? How could that be???? Last week they said you have a strong baby and this week nothing?? WTF??? I am so angry, confused, devastated. This has been a long journey and this has been the happiest 9 1/2 weeks of my life. We worked so hard for this pregnancy and in the blink of an eye it is over. I could not lay there and watch the ultrasound screen and see my baby there with no life left. All I remember hearing was I am so sorry, your baby is not viable. There is no heartbeat. Why me? What do I do know? I had to make the decision to have a DNC or wait a few weeks for it to happen on its own. I can't wait for that. I am scheduled for a DNC on Friday at 1:00.

So now what? I can't stop the hurt, the crying or the pain of knowing this child is in heaven now. I want the baby here with us, still growing inside of me. Maybe that is selfish, but I want my baby. I know things happen for a reason, but that does not make it easier. How do Clay and I go on with life knowing we lost our baby? I have never experienced this type of pain before. How do you go on like everything is ok? I can't pretend it is ok. I am so emotionally tired of this journey and I feel so helpless. God, please give Clay and I the strength to go on and show us the direction we need to go in. We need it now more than ever.

We are now parents to a very special angel. We miss you and hold you very close to our hearts. Help us go on Baby Kruse.

We saw the heart beating

It was so amazing. The little heart is beating 104 beats per minute. The baby is measuring 3mm right now and it will grow 1mm a day for the next week. By Monday it will be 10mm or one centimeter. Talk about a fast grower.

My estrogen levels were 693 and my progesterone was 3,625. I am still on the patch and the two prometrium a day. We go back to the RE next Monday for another ultrasound and it should look more like a baby next week. We are very close to being released to the OBGYN. That is so exciting.

What's happening with Baby Kruse this week

Week 7


Elbows form - Again, taking a peek inside you could see your baby's fascination with bending and flexing. Later you will swear you can enlist your child as the star of the next "Karate Kid" movie!

Fingers start to develop - These digits often become your baby's first toy!
Feet start to appear with tiny notches for the toes - It is fascinating that at less than a half inch, your little guy (or gal) already is leaving "footprints" on your heart!

Ears eyes and nose start to appear - Although they may resemble an alien life form, these all "shift" soon enough into a more normal appearance.
Intestines start to form in the umbilical cord - Did you know that initially the intestines are not formed inside your baby's body?
Teeth begin to develop under the gums - Thankfully, right now you won't be dealing teething pain!!